GOING HOME to LOVE within
I cannot think of a day that I do not think of my father, my dad, my daddy, since his death in 1977. It was just last week, at the Primal Convention (whose motto is Freedom to Feel) that I attend annually since 2003, that I found myself crying when the DJ played, "You are so Beautiful to Me," at the Saturday night dance. Quickly, I looked around to find a man who I wanted and needed to hold me throughout that song and dance. Luckily, Leonard was available, as there were few men to choose from. I am not attracted to him physically, but feel very safe in his arms, as he holds me close and occasionally looks into my eyes, and kisses me gently on the cheek. I knew I was needing to be home with my daddy, (tears) as I sobbed, missing him, missing me, as I knew he saw me as beautiful, although I was not his biologically. Yet, our family's religious repression did not allow us to say such intimate feelings to each other. I was grieving this part of my heart unheard, unsaid. Going home. As I have experienced connecting with some of my past lives, I sense that my granddaughter Denali, holds the (tears) spirit of my dad within her...as she calls me yesterday, saying, "Happy Birthday Gram!" from the University of Wisconsin, where she is a student. I thank her for her gift, ask her how her trip went, and as we enter the space of good byes, I hear, "I love you," a few more words, "I love you," a few more words, and "I love you lots," from her, along with my "I love you so much," interjected. Although my dad wrote letters to me in college, or cards on holidays where he writes "I love you," those words were never heard. I sense dad is making up for this through Denali's free flow of her heart's home of love for me. Although my two daughters tell me they love me, it is never as often or free flowing as the love (tears) I felt (now feel from Denali) from my daddy. Today I will visit dad's grave, which I do monthly since the early nineties, when my heart was broken open by my fourth marriage to feeling the appreciation of going home within.